In the late nineteenth century, light conversation (or ‘small talk’ in modern English) was crucial to the success of an evening. Being refined was not about saying the right thing without having to think too hard nor was it about getting the other person to laugh at one’s charming, witty remarks. Instead, the ideal neighbor at a dinner party was the one who had mastered the fine art of asking questions.

The explanation to this is simple, and truthful, and can be summed up with this rule: we do not appreciate those who are brilliant, but those who make us feel brilliant.

But because it is extremely difficult to ask the right question in the right situation, a small crib sheet soon circulated around European salons. It consisted of questions that seemed innocent but which bared the soul, such as “Who would you prefer to be?” , “How would you like to die?” and “Which characteristics would you most appreciate in a man?”.

The author of the questionnaire remains unknown to this day. In 1885, Marcel Proust (he was only thirteen years old at the time) answered the questionnaire at his friend Antoniette Faure’s birthday party. In 1924, Faure’s son published Proust’s answers; since then it has been known as “Proust’s Questionnaire”. The fact that he didn’t invent it, but simply filled it in, speaks in favour of the charm of the above rule.

Proust’s questions have three key qualities:

1. They are open questions that you cannot answer with yes or no.
2. The questions require no prior knowledge; in other words, there are no right or wrong answers, only honest ones.
3. They are questions that center on your counterpart rather than on you.

We all admire people who give good answers, but we admire those who ask good questions even more.
The people we remember most are the ones who really listen.

Proust Confessions Questions:

• Your favorite virtue.
• Your favorite qualities in a man.
• Your favorite qualities in a woman.
• Your chief characteristic.
• What you appreciate the most in your friends.
• Your main fault.
• Your favourite occupation.
• Your idea of happiness
• Your idea of misery.
• If not yourself, who would you be.
• Where would you like to live.
• Your favourite colour and flower.
• Your favorite prose authors.
• Your favorite poets.
• Your favorite heroes in fiction.
• Your favorite heroines in fiction.
• Your favorite painters and composers.