How to give and receive Feedback

3 min read

Feedback is information that we can use to learn how to do something better. Without feedback we would find it very difficult to learn, improve and communicate.

Sometimes gifts are just what we want, sometime they are practical and useful and sometimes they say more about the giver than the recipient. You can treasure the gift or put it aside to consider later or even throw it away.
The same goes with feedback.

In this article we will discuss two things:
1. Feedback Tips (giving and receiving)
2. Feedback Models.

Tips

Some useful tips for giving feedback are:

  • Ask yourself what your outcome is in giving the feedback. The only valid answer is in order to help and develop the other person.
  • Asking the recipient if they would like some feedback, before you deliver it, will give them a chance to prepare themselves and put their own useful frame around what you are about to tell them.
  • Give the feedback promptly.
  • Do it in an appropriate environment.
  • Maintain rapport.
  • Give specific examples and be objective, referring to what you actually observed.
  • Focus on the behavior not the person. When giving feedback about behavior you want to be different, it is helpful to remember that a person’s behavior is not who they are. Linking behavior with their identity is unnecessary and unhelpful.
    For example, there is a big difference between ‘The child stole some sweets’ and ‘The child is a thief’ or in business context ‘I think you lack commitment’ and ‘I have noticed that you leave early most days’
  •  Acknowledge that your feedback is subjective in that it reflects the way that you experienced the recipient’s behavior.
  • Give the recipient the opportunity to seek clarification.
  • Aim for face to face and one to one.
  • Feedback should always be honest.
  • Use ‘and’ rather than ‘but’.
  • Make it first-hand. Own the feedback you give.
  • It can be helpful to say what you would like to have happened instead. Give some examples of what you would like to see, hear and feel so that the recipient is clear about your expectations. Doing this will help to avoid any ambiguity.

Some useful tips for receiving feedback are:

  • Frame it as useful information.
  • Remember that feedback might tell you more about the person giving the feedback than it tells you about yourself.
  • Maintain rapport with the giver and remember that giving feedback can be hard for some people. Saying ‘Thank you’ for  the feedback will acknowledge that and help to encourage a feedback culture.
  • You might want to ask some questions to help you understand how you could address the issues raised: ‘How do you think this could be improved?’ , ‘What do i need to change?’ , ‘What would you prefer me to do?’
    It is less helpful to make statements or ask questions that challenge the feedback.
  • If you feel the feedback emotionally upsetting or painful, deal with the emotion first and then -when you feel better- go back to the feedback and decide whether you want to act on it or not.

Three Feedback Models

Here are three models for giving feedback which provide useful frameworks for effective conversational feedback.

Start… stop… continue

Give specific examples of things you would like to see the recipient start/stop doing, and things that they already do that you would like them to continue. ‘I would like to see you start arriving for meetings on time, to stop interrupting others so often and to continue to put in the preparation that you did for those agenda items.’

More of… less of

Give specific examples of things that the recipient does that you would like to see more of and less of. ‘I would like to see more examples of you listening to others and less of you talking at length about the issues that concern only you.’

When you… I felt… I want… Will you…?

This model is very effective for feedback about behaviors that you would like to be different. ‘When you shout at other people in the office, I feel upset and that you are being aggressive. I want you to keep your voice down and talk in a normal tone and volume. Will you do that?’
Furthermore, you can add ‘If you do that, then…’ and ‘If you don’t do that, then…’ to this model. This can help to add clarity about the consequences for the individual of making the requested change, or not. This can be useful in cases where more formal disciplinary action or a performance procedure is being followed.

And remember:
There is no failure, only feedback.